The Ghetto Matrix


“You take the blue pill,” “the story ends.” “You wake up in your bed and believe” “whatever you want to believe.” “Take the red pill, “you stay in wonderland” “and I show you how deep the ra -” I’ll take the blue pill. Thanks for watching guys, that’s it. Goodbye. “Go.” “Now.” All right… Go right this way – this way. What are you… what are you doing? What are these controls? What is happeining? “When I tell you, go to the end of the row and wait for my instruction…” “Stay – ” OK, Morpheus. Ooh, Morpheus. Uh oh. Turns out – “Follow the officer…” I’m going to actually have to put you on hold for a second, Morpheus. “Wait.” “Anderson… what are you doing?” Shut up… Papa John’s? I’d like one large pepperoni pizza. “He’s over here!” Oh shit! Dude! Get off me, dude! Dude… Get off of me! “And I would like, uh, one order of bread sticks.” “Welcome to my world, Neo. How’s the signal?” [ through terrible mic ] Pretty good, buddy, I hear you loud and clear. “You do still claim to be the ultimate gamer, right?” Tsk… C’mon now, have you been to my youtube channel? “See that guard? Take him out quietly so the others aren’t alerted.” All right. As we all know, the quietest way to kill a man is to put your arms over his eyes and then he just dies. Dude, I was in Hardball. Stop it! Hey! You guys are a bad influence! Oh, shit! I killed him! What? Stop sayin’ that stuff, you guys. “Break his neck!”
[ laughing ] That’s it, I’m switching from karate to jiu jitsu. See that move? This guy sucks so much, I don’t even have to look at him to kill him. I am just an old man, looking for my potato… UH WHAT?! [ cackling ] What?! I’m gonna have to take this man out. Here we go. What, yep – here we go. Reload. Annnd here it comes. Gottem. Accuracy: good. Do it again, see what happens. I dare you. Do it – do it – no, do it – Make my day. Go ahead, do it again. [ laughing ] Wait, what?! Is that how you shoot? You shoot that way, and then the bullets curve off to this side? It’s just like Counter Strike. Oh shit! Is that a pro cop? Look at his techniques. Beautiful. Floor, floor, shoots at me, shoots at me, wall, ceiling… Now, this technique, it’s just – it’s way beyond everything. I don’t even recommend you guys even try to use that one. And the Oscar goes to… Keanu Reeves for The Matrix. “There’s an agent in here.” “What’ll I do?” You idiot, just shoot him with the rocket launcher, ya dumb-dumb. “You can’t keep this up forever.” “But I can.” You’re dead! “I’m looking for the herb shop.” “Why?” “You looking for some of this magic powder?” No. “Yeah, may I help you?” “I’m trying to locate some sailors.” “No one here. Go away now.” Oh, god dammit. My Morpheus meter’s goin’ off again. Come on. Get offa him, you damn agents! Tryin’ to take 10% clock! Two of you, what are you, 30%? Come on. “Neo!”
Come on. “My luck is running out!” Yeah, you’re just sitting there. You have to leave now. Come on. “Neo, help me!” You’re just sitting there, you piece of shit! Get – come on! “Neo, he’s got me! Hurry!” Oh, he’s up, he’s up! Come on! You can – [ wheezing laughter ] What?! [ laughing ] AHH! “You’ll never make it!” I might. I might make it, if you – continue to shoot in this manner. This is not one of the three working techniques. This is a whole new thing that you’re trying to start. What the fuck move is that? This fighting, it’s just the best thing I’ve ever – WHAT?! [ clank ]
[ laughing ] “Yeah, I used to be a cop.” “Not anymore.” “Who’s there?!” “You know who I am, officer.” “What?” “How’d you know I used to be a cop?” The fighting is just so realistic in this game. Like, all these moves, this is how they work in real life. That’s what’s – “GO GET HER.” Damn, Morpheus, what happened to your voice? You bitch! You bitch! That’s it! Now you fucked – GET THE FUCK – [ laughing ] Wait, what the fuck? Now they’re in a movie theatre of – And the movie is playing The Matrix: Reloaded, the scene of them fighting? And now he’s black. Ladies and gentlemen, it all comes together. “Aw, hell, you’re makin’ me miss this scene!” I – “Hey! Hey! Hey, use the crane kick, you know, like that guy from that movie!” “That was in it, with that girl – ”
What the fuck? “With that guy, remember that?” Yeah.
“Remember that?” Uh… Jack Reacher. “This is my world, Mr. Anderson! MY WORLD!” [ grunting ] Wait! Lady, watch out! He’s gonna clone you – aw. I knew that was coming. Yep. He cloned her. Wait! That’s that same lady! That’s the same exact lady he just cl – Is she – is she cloning herself, too? Look at these fucking assholes! They’re just having a race back there! You see this shit? They’re not even trying to fight me, they’re just racing! And now, I have to fight… a giant ant in a video game of The Matrix. And… that’s – that’s where we’re done. Uh, I’ll see you guys next time. Good bye.

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