Season 15, Episode 6 – Reacts | Red vs. Blue


Tucker: Come on. What are y’all waiting for?
We’re wasting time. Wash: Take it easy Tucker. We have to think about this. Tucker: What is there to think about? Caboose: Yeah, Church needs help! Wash: How is this even possible? There was nothing left of Epsilon after that last battle. Tucker: You don’t have to tell me that.
I have a pretty fucking vivid memory of the whole thing. Which is entirely why, THE HELL, we need to get on this NOW. We owe him one, several, a million! Carolina: He said Alpha.
Could it be the original Church AI? Tucker: Who fucking cares? It’s Church! Our friend! Or my friend at least. Carolina: Hey, Church means a lot to me, too. More than I think you realize.
I’m not happy about the situation either. But we have to be realistic. Any successful operation begins with intelligence. Tucker: We’ve never needed intelligence before. Wash: It’s a huge Galaxy and we don’t have a way to trace that message. Tucker: Well standing around and talking ain’t gonna accomplish shit! That’s all we ever do and we never get ANYTHING done! Carolina: The other factor is that we have leads on the Freelancer side of this. Washington and I have some old friends we can check up on. Tucker: So you want to go on a fucking Freelancer adventure while Church is in trouble? Give me a break! Wash: Going after Church means tracing that signal, which is not something we can do on our own. For that, We’re going to need some help. Dylan: Quick! Tell me another idea. Jax: It’s about a Russian Cosmonaut in the 60s who crash lands near a Renaissance Festival And he gets out of his capsule and sees all these knights and princesses And thinks he’s gone back in time. It’s called Cosmoknight Dylan: Hmm. Jax: Whoa, why the Sudden interest? I thought you hated my ideas? Dylan: I do, I do hate them But we need to look like we’re talking for a few seconds. The Reds and Blues need us to trace that message And we need them to allow us to go with them. I’d rather negotiate that deal on our terms, so let them come to us. Jax: Smart, how about another one? Dylan: No! No more! That last one is still lodged in my brain like a stupidity bullet. Why don’t you go ahead and check on the Red team? I’m curious about their take on all this. Jax: Okay. Grif: Stupid, freakin, dead Church. Every time. Nobody stays dead. Why doesn’t anyone die and stay dead? Jax: Aw, cool! Foreshadowing. Sarge: Atteeeen-hut! Men! Robots! Donut. Our long and terrible nightmare of peace has finally come to an end! To the East, storm clouds gather. To the West, the dogs of war are a-howlin! [howling] Everybody, come on! [Everyone howls] Lopez: Arriba
Sarge: Come on, just do it like a dog. Howl. Draw it out more! Not barking. Put your kibbles and bits in it! Donut! Quit wagging your tail! [More howling] Our enemy is nigh. We must stand and fight. For our very lives, and our very livelihoods, are at stake. We must fight back Against these Whites! Simmons: Whoa-ho-ho! Sarge: I knew the day might come when the White team once again Reined its plaintive face in our war friendly valley. They’ve done it before The Meta Agent Wyoming And now the Whites are back to take it all.
Simmons: Erm, Sarge? Simmons: You’re bordering on really offensive territory.
Sarge: Borders? Hah! Whites don’t care about borders they go where they want, take what they want and leave nothing in their wake but indie rock and smoothie shops! Blagh! Donut: But, Sarge! I’m reddish white! Sarge: That’s why your ace in the hole, Donut! You are the only one who can walk between worlds. You’ll be our White spy Sarge: You must act White, Donut! Ski, take up golf! Spend way too much time trimming your lawn. Donut: I’m one step ahead of you already! Sarge: Don’t forget to pop your collar! Simmons: Sarge, I’m not sure. As your second-in-command, I have to question the long-term strategy of this particular course of action Sarge: Simmons. I know this sounds crazy! But either I’m right, or I’m just an old man Who’s lost his marbles because he can’t adjust to life outside the military chain of command and continue to have increasingly absurd things to declare War on as a subconscious way of avoiding the sad truth that he no longer really knows who he is Anyway, where was I? Right, the race war. Sarge: That’s a good point. Lopez. Where is Grif? Simmons: Yeah, I haven’t seen him since the meeting. Sarge: I know what’s happening. He’s been captured by the Whites! This. Means. War. Wash: So, in exchange for helping us, you want, what, exactly? Dylan: Not much. Interviews, access and the exclusive. Tucker: I don’t buy it. How are YOU gonna trace a message? Dylan: I won’t be I have an AI assistant. He hasn’t let me down yet. Carolina: AI? Where the hell did you get it? Dylan: Those details aren’t part of the deal. It’s a trusted source. Wash: We need to know if we can trust YOU. Smart AI, or dumb AI? Dylan: He’s dumb, very dumb. Wash: I still don’t like the idea of civilians tagging along. Dylan: I reported from the front lines of the Great War.
I can handle myself. Carolina: And your cameraman? Dylan: He’s- Jax: (like tears in the rain) I’ve…seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire, off the shoulder of Orion Blade Runner! Carolina: And I thought we’d already reached peak Moron. Sarge: Don’t make deals with the Whites! Their blankets are covered in Smallpox! Carolina: I stand corrected. Donut: Who wants a poisoned pumpkin frappuccino~? Carolina: I’m just going to shut up now. Sarge: Back off, missy!
We know you have Grif. Give him back, or I start shootin’. Dylan: I- We-… haven’t seen him. Wash: They’ve been with us the whole time, Sarge.
She hasn’t touched Grif. Carolina: We’re all on the same team, now. Got it? Sarge: Red, White, and Blue, working together? How absolutely un-American! Tucker: [sigh] Great, now we gotta find Grif.
We don’t have time for this. Wash: I agree. Let’s pack up and prepare to move out.
I’m sure he’ll turn up. Simmons: I’ll check the pantry. Jax: Uh, Miss Andrews? Dylan: You saw him go in? Jax: Uh-huh. Just like Gollum, he was all muttery, and crawly. Dylan: You stay here.
I’ll see if I can talk the cat out of the tree. Jax: You don’t want me to film? Dylan: I doubt he’ll talk to me, but I KNOW he won’t talk to us. You stay. Dylan: Grif? Dylan: Grif? Grif: Go away. Dylan: I just want to talk. Grif: Well, I don’t want to talk to you, or anyone.
So make like a tree and fuck off! Dylan: I… see you’re upset. Can we talk about why? Grif: You, that’s why. You show up here, You drop the bomb on us, and then everyone goes springing into action. We are supposed to be done! I don’t want to go on another adventure.
I don’t want to listen to Sarge. I don’t want to get shot at.
I don’t want to shoot at other people. I want to chill!
I want to sit, and chill. Dylan: And leave Church to his fate?
Grif: Fuck Church! I spent half my life dealing with his shit! HIS ex-girlfriends, HIS daddy issues, HIS… resurrections! Why can’t he just stay dead? Dylan: I’ve spent a lot of time looking at logs, Reading transcripts, Talking to eyewitnesses. They all say the same thing about Grif. He’s the lazy one, the one who doesn’t care. Grif: Nailed it.
Dylan: Your actions tell a different story. A story of someone who always answers the call. Who always helps his friends, and fights for the Greater Good. I mean, I saw you give Sarge CPR in the Blood Gulch logs. You saved his life. I think your sister is right about you. You care about your friends. Grif: YOU DON’T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT ME, LADY! I HATE SIMMONS! I HATE SARGE! I HATE EVERYBODY! PRINT THAT IN YOUR FUCKING PAPER! Wash: Are you sure you’re ready to lead a team again? Tucker: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
This is not my first rodeo. Wash: You’ve come a long way, but don’t get too big a head, now. Tucker: Yeah, you’re right. I just led a bunch of soldiers into battle, saved a planet, And whooped wholesale ass against trained mercenaries and space pirates. NBD Wash: Smartass.
Tucker: Buzzkill. Wash: Be careful out there.
Tucker: Yeah. Yeah, okay, Dad Wash: We’re splitting up, attacking this situation from both flanks. Carolina and I will be dropping in on a few fellow Freelancer alumni, to see what we can learn. The rest of you, with the help of the press, will locate the source of Church’s message. Enough words.
Wheels up in 10, and remember… Oh~ Look, who’s finally graced us with his presence. Sarge: Where have you BEEN, soldier?! Grif: Thinking. Tucker: Yeah, right!
Simmons: Thinking about food. Grif: No. Actually, I was thinking that, I quit. Simmons: Quit what? Grif: You All of you. I quit. I’m not going. I’m staying here. Tucker: What? You can’t quit. That’s not allowed. Grif: I can do whatever I want.
I’m not in the military anymore. I should’ve quit years ago. Caboose: What about Church? Grif: Let it go, Caboose, all of you. He’s been resurrected more times than Jean Grey.
It’s getting old. Tucker: Seriously, dude? You’ve always been selfish, but this is bullshit. Grif: I don’t like you. ANY of you. But we’ve all known each other long enough,
that you should hear it from me, first. I’m done. Caboose: He can’t- he can’t do that!
Someone do something! Sarge: Grif! Desertion is punishable by death! So keep going! Desertion means leaving the military, not eating dessert! Seriously Grif, turn around. Jax: You know, I liked them better when they were funny. Dylan: Yeah. I hope we didn’t fuck something up.

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